It will tear your soul apart

The new Hellraiser movie was released a week or so ago. Although I’m a huge Hellraiser fan, I must admit I wasn’t even aware it was in the making so it took me by surprise.

At first I thought this was the remake, but no. Even though some parts of the story are an obvious rip off (you could say homage, but I’ll go with rip off) of the first Hellraiser movie, this is the ninth installment and a sequel.

Let me start by naming all the good things in this movie - it’s only 75 minutes long (short?). And that’s about it.

There’s a lot more going on on the negative side, though. Firstly, actors. One can’t shake off the feeling that any scene could probably convincingly derail into porn without losing anything in the credibility department. It looks and sounds fake, and the script doesn’t help. Admittedly, Hellraiser scripts were never Shakesfear quality material, but at least there were some memorable quotes and one liners that stood the test of time. Revelations has none of those.

The biggest disappointment in this movie is - THERE IS NO DOUG BRADLEY. He rejected the role of Pinhead. We got Stephan Smith Collins instead. One thing this guy sure did succeed in doing is proving that it takes more than makeup to convincingly play Pinhead. After eight movies with Doug Bradley, it’s hard to separate the character from the actor and this movie really suffers for it. I’m aware that it’s hard to be creative with the role because fans expect Pinhead, not Pinhead 2.0 and the character is pretty much set in stone by now. There is nothing else Stephan could do to make this work but try his best to imitate Doug. But he didn’t even try. Or perhaps he did, but he’s just that bad of an actor? There’s nothing intimidating in his bland performance and I couldn’t help but cringe\laugh each time he opened his mouth.

If this was the remake I would probably be much more okay with the “reinvention” of Pinhead (not a bad reinvention like this, though), but since this movie is in the same timeline with the other eight he just looks out of place and character.

“Hello,my friends. I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN’ CHILD OF MINE!” “I have NOTHING to do with the fuckin’ thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker,it’s a lie. It’s not even from my butt-hole.” - Clive Barker reviews Revelations via Twitter

The plot is dumb. I won’t spoil anything else, just that it’s dumb and dumber. Some of the scenes are from a POV of a handheld camera which seems to be all the rage in horrors these days. There’s nothing scarier than a dark, shaky, blurry scene with some yelling in the background.

After the movie was finally over I visited IMDB.com to find out why does this desecration of all that is unholy even exist. Basically, they needed to put out a Hellraiser movie before the end of this year so that they don’t lose the rights to the franchise. Which explains a lot quality wise. This movie is just another case of greedy people cashing in more money on the classics. I’m glad I didn’t buy this.

And the fun doesn’t end there - the reason that the future of the remake is still uncertain is because the makers want to make it TEEN FRIENDLY so they’re looking for a suitable script (the one Clive Barker approved was scrapped, apparently). What the hell, Weinsteins? A PG-13 Hellraiser? Will Pinhead sparkle in the sunlight? This has catastrophe written all over it.

Having read that, I am not surprised that Clive Barker and Doug Bradley don’t want to be involved with Hellraiser movies anymore. Because

WHAT THE HELL, WEINSTEINS?????

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